As "the anniversary" came around this year, I realized that Greg's pain is far greater. His mom is gone now too. She was too young as well. I feel for the pain he is going through. We can hold out hope for heaven.
Another thing I've realized is that I no longer really "wear" my grief. I was having a Very Bad Day at work about a week or so before the anniversary. Between groups of kids, I would break down and bawl. Not cry, not leak tears, but bawl. I had to go to the bathroom once and thought I had it together enough to get that done, but by the time I made it to the "private" teachers' bathroom, I was nearly bawling. I went in and kicked the wall for a minute, took care of business and tried my best to get it back together. I couldn't meet the classroom teacher's gaze as I picked up my next student. Since I don't wear my grief as much as I used to, my VBDs are pretty much kept to myself. Not many people can nod and say, "I get it". If my red eyes (and nose - I turn into Rudolf when I cry) makes someone stop me, I'm going to have to tell them the whole story.
I feel bad that I don't wear my grief as much. I miss Caleb as much today as I did the night we lost him. I will never be the same person I was January 20, 2003. Yet, I remember and am so acutely aware, that I am blessed with 2 fantastic boys that NEED me here. I have to live in their moments or I will miss the boys I have. Someday, I will have time to wallow. Today I have moments to live in. I love you Luke and Colin.