Thursday, January 27, 2011

Its been a long time

I think about coming back here and writing and just haven't. I don't know if anyone has read this in a long time. It makes me smile and cry to read my own words. I am grateful that I have been able to put words to my experiences and thoughts.

As "the anniversary" came around this year, I realized that Greg's pain is far greater. His mom is gone now too. She was too young as well. I feel for the pain he is going through. We can hold out hope for heaven.

Another thing I've realized is that I no longer really "wear" my grief. I was having a Very Bad Day at work about a week or so before the anniversary. Between groups of kids, I would break down and bawl. Not cry, not leak tears, but bawl. I had to go to the bathroom once and thought I had it together enough to get that done, but by the time I made it to the "private" teachers' bathroom, I was nearly bawling. I went in and kicked the wall for a minute, took care of business and tried my best to get it back together. I couldn't meet the classroom teacher's gaze as I picked up my next student. Since I don't wear my grief as much as I used to, my VBDs are pretty much kept to myself. Not many people can nod and say, "I get it". If my red eyes (and nose - I turn into Rudolf when I cry) makes someone stop me, I'm going to have to tell them the whole story.

I feel bad that I don't wear my grief as much. I miss Caleb as much today as I did the night we lost him. I will never be the same person I was January 20, 2003. Yet, I remember and am so acutely aware, that I am blessed with 2 fantastic boys that NEED me here. I have to live in their moments or I will miss the boys I have. Someday, I will have time to wallow. Today I have moments to live in. I love you Luke and Colin.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I feel like I'm slowly following in your footsteps. Don't get me wrong, Eli is doing very well, but there's always that unspoken "for a heart baby" when we get a positive report. You wrote that you knew Caleb wouldn't experience certain things; I have that fear for Eli. I hope that doesn't upset you, you have every right to think "Shut up, you still have your baby."

I've read all of your posts tonight and I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. Thank you for reaching out to Bryan and me when you heard about Eli's diagnosis. Thank you for sharing Caleb's story. Thank you for your honesty and courage. I'm sorry that you're a role model for me. You're proof that whatever happens to our family on this journey, someone else has been there and is surviving the heartache. I wish you didn't know that sorrow, that you could just look at us and feel sorry for us instead of reliving those moments in your life.

I hope you know that I'll never forget Caleb even though I never got to meet the little guy. I think you & Greg are amazing people for being able to continue on the way you have and raise such a great family.

Prayers being sent for God to wrap you & your guys in His healing arms and comfort your sorrows.